Crack Libs
by GilFic
Summary: A collection of Hetalia mad libs that shouldn't exist. Read at your own risk.
1. Ripe Lang Syne

Ripe Lang Syne

Japan sipped damply at his drink and stood ripe behind a matryoshka doll. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel deranged and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how flamboyant his neck hollow got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Japan knew very well why he was at the party: to see Russia.

Ah, Russia. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his swollen thigh made Japan's heart beat like a hipster at an art school party.

But tonight everyone was masked. Japan peered silkily through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Russia. There, he thought, the man over by the yakisoba, the timid one with the bear mask. It had to be Russia. No one else could look so voluptuous, even in a bear mask.

He began to walk Japan's way and Japan started to panic. What if he actually _talked_ to Japan?

Russia came right up to Japan and Japan thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Russia said flippantly. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the panda suit," Japan said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so _Asian_.

Just then, a bulky voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Japan's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Russia might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Russia swept Japan into his arms, bent him behind the curtain, and kissed Japan derpily, slipping him the tongue and groping his underarm.

Japan could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out sporadicary and pulled Russia's mask off his face. It _was_ Russia! "I knew it was you," Japan said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Russia said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Japan watched him go. He would be right back, Japan was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.


	2. The Battle for the White Flag

The Battle For The White Flag

In a box of tomatoes, Germany ate his white flag. He had been busy with the white flag for hours and now wanted nothing more than a sweaty cuddle or a feeble massage from his lover Italy.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his imposing Italy appeared at the door, grinning darkly.

"Put down the white flag," Italy said enigmatically. "Unless you want me to eat that white flag on your jaw."

Germany put down the white flag. He was perverse. He had never seen Italy so saccharine before and it made him wunderbar.

Italy picked up the white flag, then withdrew a pistol from his ass. "Don't be so perverse," Italy said with a saccharine grimace. "A cat bit my hair curl this morning, and everything became excruciating. Now with this white flag and this pistol I can enigmatically rule the world!"

Germany clutched his childish hair curl simply. This was his lover, his imposing Italy, now staring at him with a saccharine ass.

"Fight it!" Germany shouted. "The cat just wants the white flag for his own imposing devices! He doesn't love you, not the sweaty way I do!"

Germany could see Italy trembling simply. Germany reached out his jaw and touched Italy's ass enigmatically. He was imposing, so imposing, but he knew only his childish love for Italy would break the cat's spell.

Sure enough, Italy dropped the white flag with a thunk. "Oh, Germany," he squealed. "I'm so sweaty, can you ever forgive me?"

But Germany had already moved in a box of tomatoes. Like a face without a mustache, he pressed his jaw into Italy's ass. And as they fell together in an excruciating fit of love, the white flag lay on the floor, wunderbar and forgotten.

"You perverse silly," Italy said, tickling Germany with his white flag.


	3. To Condescendingly Struggle

To Condescendingly Struggle

England and America were celebrating an emo Valentine's Day together. England had cooked a rough dinner and they ate in a watercloset by candlelight.

"My darling," America said, stroking England's eyebrows, "I have something for you." He gave a box to England. "It is but a heroic token of my brash love."

England opened the box. Inside was an imaginary hamburger! He gazed at it sheepishly. Then he gazed at America sheepishly. "It's impotent," England said. "Come here and let me struggle you."

Just then, a hellish crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a movie without the hero. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a bloody voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

America read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other clumsily as the crone cackled some more. England's arse began to tremble. Then America shrugged, pulled out a cane, and hit the crone on her ahoge. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" England said and kissed America loudly. "This is an extraterrestrial Valentine's Day!"

They ridiculously burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they struggled each other all night long.


	4. I Saw Spain Kissing Santa Claus

I Saw Spain Kissing Santa Claus

Romano woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one sullen box that looked like a bathroom.

Then Romano noticed that Spain was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Romano thought that he would surprise Spain. Maybe even sneak up behind him and headbutt him on his obnoxious hair curl. That always made Spain stingy.

Romano crept furiously down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its aromatic lights, and the presents, heaped up cheerfully, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Spain. Kissing someone.

Romano was so angry, he picked up a tomato from a table and threw it sarcastically at an art school party.

They both looked around.

"Spain, you pedophilic gilbird!" Romano yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Romano looked and then rubbed his nipple and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Spain said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a needy kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Romano said despairingly. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be wet."

That seemed reasonable. Romano went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a potato-eating bastard. He made Romano's crotch feel all bratty.

"You see?" Spain said perversely and Romano saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.


	5. Obnoxious Love

Obnoxious Love

Romano finished packing. Ever since Spain, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Romano had been aromatic.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing headbutted him, all was picante. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going at an art school party to become a bratty tomato. 

Just then, there was a sullen knock at the door. Romano opened it and stood there furiously for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his nipple.

When Romano came to, Spain was holding his hair curl and looking needy. "My love," Spain said perversely, "I'm sorry for the stingy shock. I've been shipwrecked on a pedophilic island for the last ten years, living like a potato-eating bastard. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my crotch in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Romano could hardly believe his Spain had returned. "I will always love you, crotch or no crotch. Besides, you can cover it up with a churro."

They embraced cheerfully and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was wet.


	6. The Miracle of the Alien

The Miracle Of The Alien

England hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a movie without the hero. He loathed it.

Every December, England would feel himself getting all bloody inside. He refused to put up a Christmas tea pot, he snapped at anyone extraterrestrial enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, England had to go to the mall to buy an impotent cane. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing condescendingly around and so much Christmas music blaring clumsily, he thought his ahoge would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a hellish man collecting for charity. England never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the hellish man dropped his bells and ran in a watercloset. There was a brash alien right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the hellish man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

England rushed out and sheepishly pushed them both out of the way. There was a emo bang and then everything went dark.

When England woke up, he was in an imaginary room. There was a Christmas tea pot in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, England's eyebrows hurt. A lot.

The hellish man came into the room. "I'm so heroic!" he said. "You're awake. My name is America. You saved me from the truck. But your eyebrows is broken."

England hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas tea pot up and his eyebrows was broken, he felt quite rough, especially when he looked at America.

"Your eyebrows must hurt ridiculously," America said. "I think this will help." And he struggled England several times.

Now England felt very rough indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved America. "I love you," he said, and kissed America loudly.

"I love you too," said America. Just then, the alien ran into the room and nuzzled England's arse. "I brought him home with us," America said.

"We'll call him Miracle," England said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.


	7. The Hairy Terror of the Snow

The Hairy Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, France and Canada went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and France hit Canada in his cock with a big rapey iceball. It hurt a lot, but France kissed it nauseatingly and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really perverse snow man!" France said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Canada said. "That would be more moist and politically correct."

"I know," France said. "We can make a snow Pierre. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up flirtatiously and made a non-consensual snow Pierre. France put on a ball gag for the ass. The Pierre was almost as big as Canada.

"It looks disease-ridden," France said forcibly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Canada said and held up a French handcuffs. "I found this under a maple tree." He put the handcuffs onto the Pierre's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the Pierre, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a horrific nightmare that wouldn't end.

Canada screamed suggestively and ran but the snow Pierre chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow Pierre smacked him promiscuously.

"Nobody does that to my little Sexual Dildo," France screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow Pierre through the nipple. It fell down and France kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Canada said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The handcuffs lay in the yard until a creepy child picked it up and took it home.


	8. Suddenly: France

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a French voice lifted suggestively up in song.

_"I'm dreaming of a non-consensual Christmas_

_Just like a horrific nightmare that wouldn't end"_


End file.
